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April 10, 2013

Ask Luis? Response to Tired Of Waiting. I’m Having An Affair With A Friend.

Luis

I’ve been having an affair with a friend for the last 6 months and I can’t deal with the secrets anymore. I feel like I need to say something but he doesn’t not want me too. I’m starting to feel like this relationship will never be what it should and that I will always be his secret. It happened so fast that I couldn’t really understand what was happening but now I’m to the point that I’m ready to face the consequences but he is not and I’m becoming a little concerned because the longer we do this the more it bothers me that I can have him to myself. I hate that this is happening and all I want is to have the relationship without having to hide it. I can’t stand the thought of him going back to his partner while I’m sitting around and waiting for him. I didn’t know where else to turn since this is not something I can talk about with anyone. I hate lying to everyone so I wanted to know should I just let the cat out of the bag?

Tired of waiting

Tired of waiting:

Thank you for your question.

I am sure that when you started the affair you knew about the current situation so by allowing it to happen you are forced to take a back seat and sit around waiting for the day when he makes the decision.

Most people who enter into this type of relationship will usually start wanting more after some time. The longer is goes on the bigger the chance that eventually someone will want to let it out.

I am pretty sure that he may not be in a rush if he is getting what he needs from both parties, so you have to decide if it will be worth it letting the cat out of the bag. Keep in mind even if you are the one to let it out does not mean he will stay with you. There is a reason why he has not said anything so you have to ask yourself “Is it really worth it?”

I know that things happen when you least expect them too, and sometimes we get caught up without thinking of the how this will affect the people around us. What seemed like innocent fun now turns to a big ball of deception because you have to cover your tracks so that others do not find out.

My advice: You have already given him six months and the situation has not changed so I would not expect things to change any time soon. Go out and find someone that is available to give you what you want out of a relationship. Nothing good ever comes out of a relationship that stats off with deception, so stay away from these types of situation.

Good Luck.

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Posted by Luis on April 10, 2013 in askluis? and tagged advice column, affair, ask luis, askluisnow, cheating, couples, dating, emotions, lying, opinion, orlando advice, orlando advice column, relationships.

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March 27, 2013

Ask Luis? Response to Carmen. How Can I Deal With An Unapproachable Co-Worker?

Luis

I started a new job and I like the job but I’m not too crazy about one of the people that I’m working with. One of the girls seems to always be in a bad mood and I try not to judge but sometimes I just want to say to her “what the f&*** is your problem”? I say good morning and she just nods. I help her get stuff done and she is always super serious and most people don’t approach her. My other co-workers tell me that she is really good at the job but no one seems to ever want to try to get to know her because she seems to have a wall up and not concerned about getting to know anyone else. It feels uncomfortable at times and I just want to stay away from her because she really gets me in a bad mood. Since we have to work together I can’t ignore her so how can I get through to her so she knows I’m on her side and all I want to do is have a good working relationship.

Carmen

Carmen:

Thank you for your question.

It is hard to have to work with people who have a wall up, especially when you have to rely on each other to get the job done.

Unfortunately, we do not know what someone may have going on in their personal lives. Not everyone shares their personal issues in the workplace or wants to have a personal relationship with co-workers.

I have worked with a person similar to this and people were always in my ear telling me to stay away, however; I noticed that none of them ever gave her a chance. I took a step back and did my best to work with her. Eventually she did come around and I found out that she had some serious heath issues which may have been the reason for her behavior.

Though you may feel that a personal issue may not be a good excuse, you should never judge someone without taking the time to know them.

I am sure that she can sense that people have been avoiding her and that has probably contributed to her not wanting to open up.

My Advice: Treat her how you want to be treated and eventually she will notice that you are not judging her and will start letting her wall down.

Good Luck.

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Posted by Luis on March 27, 2013 in askluis? and tagged advice, advice column, ask luis, askluisnow, co-worker, friends, judging, orlando advice, orlando advice column, unapproachable, workplace.

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March 15, 2013

Ask Luis? Response to Rich. Sex Before Monogamy.

Luis

The other night I went to dinner with friends. We were talking about random things when all of the sudden we started talking about first dates. Most of my friends thing that it’s ok to hook up on the first date and I don’t completely agree. They have been single for a long time and in a way I think that this behavior is one of the reasons why. I’m not judging them for how they want to do things but I disagree with the hooking up before getting to know someone and they tell me this is the reason I am single because not everyone wants to take the time to get to know me. My question is do you agree with my friends that hooking up on the first date is ok?

Rich

Rich –

Thank you for your question.

The Millionaire Matchmaker always says “No sex before monogamy” and I agree.

People tend to confuse sex and love. In my opinion, when you are working towards finding something serious, you should not hook up before getting to know someone. I believe that if someone is serious about getting to know you they will wait and if they walk away then you should know that all they were interested in was the hook up.

I know plenty of people that hooked up first and started relationships only to find that they were not a match.

Not everyone can handle a hook up. Sex does strange things to people especially when they involve emotions.

If someone doesn’t want to take the time to get to know you first then you have to decide if it’s worth it for you.

Never allow yourself to feel pressured to hook up just to keep someone around.

At the end of the day, regardless of how you want to handle the situation, just remember to always be responsible and safe.

Good Luck. I hope this helps.

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Posted by Luis on March 15, 2013 in askluis? and tagged advice column, ask luis, askluisnow, couples, dating, emotions, manogomy, opinion, orlando advice, orlando advice column, relationships, sex.

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March 1, 2013

Ask Luis? Response to Jeff. How To Get Another Couple To Stop Hitting On My Partner

Luis –

I have been in a relationship with my partner for over 4 years. We get along really well and we have great communication. Many of the people we surround ourselves with are very nice and respectful towards us however there is just one couple that is a little too hands on with my partner. Every time we are in our group of friends and they show up the eventually end up next to us. They make lots of sexual jokes and always have to find a way to touch my partner. I have heard that they like to bring others into their bedroom but it’s just not our thing. I don’t care what anyone else does but I would really like for them not to act this way and just let us be. We have tried making comments about it but they are very aggressive which is why we both have an issue with this behavior. I trust my partner and I know he has no interest in joining them. Lately we have not been seeing our friends in order to avoid this couple and we are really social and miss our friends. How can I get this to stop because I really hate that uncomfortable feeling when we are around them?

Jeff

Jeff –

Thank you for your question.

No one ever wants to place themselves in an uncomfortable situation especially when you are trying to go out and have a good time, but you cannot continue to avoid your other friends that have nothing to do with it.

This is something that should have been addressed from the start because when you let it continue, people feel that it is acceptable.

What you can do is have a conversation with them and tell them exactly how you feel. Let them know that you enjoy their company but feel uncomfortable when they cross the line. Let them know that you want to set boundaries in order to be able to enjoy each other’s company.

The worst thing that can happen is that they just stay away from you at future gatherings.

Sometimes we assume that a simple comment or even our body language will tell someone that you are not interested, however; this is not true for everyone. Be honest, and be clear especially if you plan on seeing them again.

Good Luck. I hope this helps.

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Posted by Luis on March 1, 2013 in askluis? and tagged advice column, ask luis, askluisnow, boundaries, couples, dating, emotions, opinion, orlando advice, orlando advice column, relationships, threesome.

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February 21, 2013

Tribute To My Sister Nancy Caraballo

February is a very hard month for me because it is filled with many ups and downs. It marks a huge milestone at work, but it also marks the anniversary of my sister’s passing.

It has been 12 years, and every year around this time I relive the madness surrounding her last days.

In honor of my sister I decided not to answer a question but to re-post the tribute I wrote for her last year.

To my dear sister Nancy – There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you. May you rest in peace and know that when you left you took a huge piece of my heart and I will never be the same..

I love you. 1967-2001

Today I wanted to pay tribute to my sister Nancy Caraballo

For those of you who don’t know, in 2001 I lost my sister to AIDS. My sister was 33 years old and the mother of three children.

Growing up we always had a good relationship as I do with all of my siblings. Yes, we did get into our fights but at the end of the day we knew there was love and that our bond could never be broken. My sister was my friend, and the person that I confided in the most. I came out to my sister before anyone else and we would spend a lot of time talking about my experiences in being gay. I always felt safe because I knew that she never judged me and would love me regardless.

My sister was a great mother and would sacrifice whatever she had to make sure her kids had everything, however; while she was taking care of everyone she forgot one important thing, and that was herself.

My sister was infected yet never told a soul. I am not sure why, but have come to terms and have to respect, that this was how she wanted to handle the situation. We noticed the signs, but anytime her health became the topic she would change the conversation or just walk way. She made it clear that she did not want to discuss.

Even while battling her illness, Nancy never missed a beat, she went to work every day to make sure she provided for her family and never complained.

I remember our last conversation. It was February 13, 2001. I was at work,and my cell phone rang. I quickly grabbed the phone and went outside because it was out of character for her to call me during work hours. I answered and said “Hi Nancy are you OK?” she answered with “Yes everything is fine, I just wanted to call to tell you that I Love You.” I asked again “Are you OK?” and she said “I’m doing great” I said “Thank you for calling and I Love You too, I’ll call you tomorrow.” The next day she went to work and was sent to the hospital because her lungs collapsed. I never heard her voice again.

Nancy was hospitalized on Valentines days and was connected to machines for a week. She could not talk, but could nod and point. It was not until I spoke to the doctor that it was finally confirmed that she had AIDS. It was really hard for me to think about how she went through this all without any type of treatment and how she gave up. A week later on February 21, 2001 she lost her battle with the illness and passed away at the hospital.

Since my sister’s passing my family has not been the same because she was the glue that kept everyone together. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her.

Though it still hurts to think about this, I wanted to share my story with you not because I want sympathy, but to remind you should never wait until it is too late to tell someone you love them or to let them know what they mean to you let you. Nancy didn’t forget to remind me so I have made it a point to also remind my brothers that I love them anytime we speak.

Finally, my sister never sought out treatment otherwise she would probably be here with us today. If you are experiencing an issue similar to this you should make yourself aware of the different organizations out there that can help you get through it. You are not alone and shouldn’t feel like it’s the end you can still live a normal life with the proper treatment.

So in honor of her 46^th Birthday I decided to participate in the Orlando Aids Walk benefiting that Hope and Help Center of Central Florida. I feel that I need to do any little thing I can to help raise funds that will help in creating awareness and to help fight this illness for people affected and infected.

I believe that as long as we continue to come together and work hard we will one day find a cure

Rest in Peace Nancy. I miss you dearly and will always love you!!

Have you had a similar situation?

Feel free to share this story.

Post your comments below or on my Facebook Page it may help someone going through the same thing.

Posted by Luis on February 21, 2013 in askluis? and tagged advicecolumn, aids, askluis, askluisnow, get tested, hope and help, orlando advice, orlando advice column, RIP, sister, tribute.

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February 8, 2013

Ask Luis? Response To Anthony. I Don’t Know What To Say When Meeting New People.

Luis

I haven’t dated in a long time and I really want to get out there. The times that I have decided to go out and try meeting people I feel like a failure. I try to blend in with people and I try really hard to find something to talk about but it seems like after a while, there are long periods of awkwardness and the conversation ends. Maybe my pickup lines are not working and I wanted some help to see how I can keep someone’s attention and possibly get to the point where I can ask someone on a date. I just don’t know what to say when meeting new people. Please Help.

Anthony

Anthony –

Thank you for your question.

Starting a conversation with a total stranger can often be a challenge for most people.

There is no need to use a pickup line or to try to be someone you are not.

Be genuine, If you truly want to get to know someone you have to first be yourself because the real you will eventually come out. Be sincere about getting to know someone and the conversation will flow.

Show real interest. Don’t make it all about you. Allow the person to talk about themselves most people like talking about themselves.

Don’t rush the conversation, take the time to remember their name and use it throughout the conversation as this will show that you are paying attention.

Use open ended answers to let the conversation flow and avoid that awkward silence. It is very frustrating to continue a conversation when the other person has a closed ended answer for everything.

For example: If you ask Hi, how are you? And the person says I’m fine thank you then this person may not really be interested in a conversation. However, if they answered I’m fine thank you and yourself, then this person is open to conversation.

Finally, be confident. There is nothing more attractive than confidence. If you are being yourself, and still not able to make that connection then chances are you are not talking to the right person for you.

Good Luck. I hope this helps.

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Posted by Luis on February 8, 2013 in askluis? and tagged advice column, ask luis, askluisnow, conversation, dating, initiating conversation, meeting new people, opinion, orlando advice, orlando advice column, pickup lines, relationships.

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February 5, 2013

Question of the day

What do you think is worse… Having expectations that are too high, or having no expectations at all? #askluisnow

Posted by Luis on February 5, 2013 in askluis? and tagged advice, advicecolumn, ask luis, askluis, askluisnow, expectations, opinion, orlando advice, orlando advice column, question.

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February 1, 2013

Ask Luis Response to Cy. Should I Try To Rekindle Old Friendships?

Luis

While going through some pictures I started to think about old times. Most of the people in the pictures are no longer in my life. It seems that we have lost touch and it makes me sad. We had a close group of friends but it seems that everyone has moved on and no one has time for each other anymore. We used to talk every day and hang out every weekend it was like a second family but when my friend and his partner broke up everyone decided to take sides and it affected the entire group. Some of the people I thought I could always count on are no longer around I tried to remain friends with everyone but felt like they were upset because I decided not to take anyone’s side I mean we were all friends and I didn’t feel I needed to take a side since this issue had nothing to do with me. It’s been almost 2 years and it doesn’t seem like it will get better. Do you think I should reach out and try to rekindle the relationships or should I accept the fact that things will never be the same?

Cy

Cy –

Thank you for your question.

Not all relationships are meant to last forever, people will come and go and you cannot control how people react towards different situations.

In my opinion, if your friends have detached themselves from your life because of something that had nothing to do with you, then they were probably not your real friends. A real friend would take the time to tell you how they felt and if there was an issue, they would have probably addressed it with you.

My Advice: If by reaching out to your friends you can find the closure you need then do it, however; after not really communicating for two years, it would be difficult to rekindle something and expect it to be the same. If you really want the friendship, then you need to make sure that you put all the cards on the table and don’t just try to pick up where you left off. Remember there was a reason for the disconnect, and if you do not address that issue you will probably just end up in the same boat. Once you get over that hurdle, you should focus on the future and should never bring up the past.

If you do not feel that you will be able to get what you need from the friendships then I suggest you keep it moving and accept the fact that people will change and you cannot control their feelings. Take the lessons learned from this and focus on the people that are around you now.

I have been in the same place where you are. I have thought of reaching out as well, but I soon realized that sometimes you just have to let things go. Real friendships cannot be forced so I do not focus on the past. The past is the past for a reason.

Good Luck.

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Posted by Luis on February 1, 2013 in askluis? and tagged advice, advice column, ask luis, askluisnow, friends, friendship, opinion, orlando advice, orlando advice column, rekindle, relationship, relationships, taking sides.